a tale told by an idiot

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 1:49 pm

once in the temple of dagon there was a primordial evil called je-je-bhurkh'k. it came to the earth from a far corner of azathoth's crack where spacetime is collapsed into the negative 2nd dimension. it came with a single purpose: to spawn a story so idle, so inane, so completely pointless that even the blind idiot demon sultan would take notice and be moved, thereby shifting the position of all existence within the greater transcendent medium—an achievement of no conceivable consequence.

one midday in september je-je-bhurkh'k slithered upon the altar of the temple and plunged a ceremonial spork into one of its phosphorescent thoracic lobes. the spork was removed and the quivering wound instantly birthed a spewing geyser of unjustified and invalid fiction. others in attendance were compelled to perpetuate the wasteful exposition. a second entity shambled forth to take up the mighty spork, and disgorged its own ludicrous chapter of the tale, which went on and on, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing..................... ...... .. ..... .. . . .. ... . ... .. . .

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Tue Sep 26, 2006 3:14 pm

Sexy.

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Wed Sep 27, 2006 9:09 am

thus did the entity jhæzyss-präimn demonstrate the distillation of irrelevance into a single word, and there was much rejoicing.

but soon the revelry had passed, and je-je-bhurkh'k snatched back the spork of power and tossed it into the air. but before it could be caught, something utterly inexplicable happened......... .... .. .. . .. . . .. .. . . . .. . . . . .... .

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Wed Sep 27, 2006 4:01 pm

Distillation? LIke whiskey?

Enkil · Post by **Enkil** » Thu Sep 28, 2006 12:08 pm

more story! more story!

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Thu Sep 28, 2006 3:55 pm

This pause is killing me...

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Thu Sep 28, 2006 6:18 pm

the spork sprouted tiny arms and legs, and googly eyes appeared in the concave side.

'you fools!' the spork shrieked contemptuously. 'i am not the spork you thought i was, for i am il impostóre!'

'il impostóre!' gasped the chamber-maid, dangerously jerking the contents of the chamber-pot.

'verily, it is i, and i am me,' il impostóre declared, and before their eyes he transmogrified from a spork into a form that seemingly defied all reason.. . . . . .... ... . .. .. ... . .. ... .. . ... . ..... ......

Enkil · Post by **Enkil** » Fri Sep 29, 2006 3:00 am

noo you cant leave a cliff hanger you bastard!

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Fri Sep 29, 2006 1:01 pm

Saw it comming

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Tue Oct 03, 2006 1:09 pm

...the wily il impostóre then took the shape of oprah winfrey, and gave everyone in attendance a brand new car!

'you cannot buy absolution with shiny trinkets, il impostóre,' said the throbbing mass known as ehnq'iehl. 'there is but one path for you now!'

il impostóre squealed with fear: 'no! never! anything but that!' and the visage of oprah winfrey melted away, and the true form of il impostóre was laid bare before the servants of the temple.

many silent minutes passed as everyone stared in rapt stupefaction. then it was je-je-bhurkh'k who spoke, its language resembling a series of twanging clicks and flatulent vibrato.

'steve irwin?!?!?'

'that's roight, mite,' said steve irwin. 'crikey, oi nevah thought oi'd be discovah'd. oi guess it's back to the austrahlia zoo with me, hey?'

but jhæzyss-präimn would have none of it. 'i propose we distill him into whiskey.'

the motion was seconded, and soon steve irwin was boiled and fermented, and the secret of his faked death was mercifully kept from his family, as it should be.

but when the irwin whiskey was sampled, all hell broke loose...... .. . . . .. . . .. . .. . . . . .... .. ...

Enkil · Post by **Enkil** » Tue Oct 03, 2006 1:34 pm

because it was the blood of christ? or chocolate milk gone bad?

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Tue Oct 03, 2006 2:11 pm

Irwin whiskey

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Tue Oct 03, 2006 3:44 pm

It was both! The blood of Choco-Jesus!

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Wed Oct 04, 2006 9:32 pm

the irwin whiskey catalyzed a hallucinogenic voyage through the twisting bowels of an alien universe! colors that smelled like memories of future deeds! strains of unmusical melody heating and cooling the amniotic ether in fractal whorl patterns felt only in the cartilage! angled fronds of shimmering plasma groping from wounds between cosmosises, lunging in every direction like eager children with garbanzo beans for teeth!

the senseless imagery screamed at each of the travelers in a different language, but always the same words were heard: 'mama-sé mama-sá mama-cu-sa, mama-sé mama-sá-ma-mácusa!'

the one called et'uurn't'ees-zendh was particularly horrified. 'by the gorging leeches upon my seven ankles, what abomination of sorcery is this? steve irwin must have contained trace amounts of vegemite! there can be no other explanation!'

'vegemite!' the chamber-maid gasped and slapped herself in the forehead. the chamber-pot was nowhere to be seen.

ehnq'iehl's left tongue resembled a mobius strip of tie-dyed burlap. this was normal, and everyone found comfort in it. but what ehnq'iehl said next dashed their morale. 'if it really was vegemite, that could mean only one thing...... . . .. ... . ..... . . . . .. . ... ... .. .. . . ... .

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Thu Oct 05, 2006 10:17 am

Choco-Jesus has arrived?