Hi people! An idea to run past you...

nyarsetna · Post by **nyarsetna** » Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:55 pm

First off, hello everyone! I'm new to the Forums but I have two stories on the Public Archives. I have a few completed works but a lot half finished.

I have an idea to run past you, maybe I could get feedback on an opening paragraph?

Here goes...

"The sun didn’t rise this morning. The thick superstorm clouds that brought on yesterday evening had gone by two, leaving a clear starry sky. By six-thirty, the scheduled sunrise, the stars were still out. The familiar stars disappeared over the horizon leaving strange ones in their place. Instead of the sun, there rose a green star, far from our solar system. An ugly emerald pearl in the Stygian darkness.
By mid “day” crowds had gathered in the streets desperate for human company, companionship in the unnatural green light..."

Thanks for reading;

-Nyarsetna

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Sun Sep 14, 2008 11:59 pm

cool, the only thing I can recommend is maybe using another word besides "star", its repeated a few times in a span of like 2 sentences...idk maybe solar orbs or something along those lines?

lovecraft518 · Post by **lovecraft518** » Mon Sep 15, 2008 4:56 pm

or like, flickering lights?

nyarsetna · Post by **nyarsetna** » Tue Sep 16, 2008 12:59 pm

thanks for the feedback

corrected!

I have another idea. I just watched The Core and at one point, they were passing through the mantle of the Earth, they collided with diamonds. That got me thinking... huge crystals... crystal prisons... planets built around a series of crystals imprisoning a few shady characters...

Got another outline to deal with now!

If only I could finish a story...

...

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Tue Sep 16, 2008 10:47 pm

the core, gross!

nyarsetna · Post by **nyarsetna** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:39 pm

Eternities End wrote:the core, gross!

Eternities End, your in-depth, well thought out comments are a constant source of inspiration to me

did you not like it?

i thought it was awesome

lovecraft518 · Post by **lovecraft518** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:48 pm

The Core used to be on all the time at my house. It was a rule that everytime that someone saw it on the guide, we would have to watch it.
It's a good movie, but I'd have to agree with ee, because I've seen it wayyyy too many times

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Wed Sep 17, 2008 9:27 pm

Its gross because the concept is soooooo lame, they're tunneling to the center of the earth, you know how physically impossible that is? Plus the acting was lame and so was the script.

nyarsetna · Post by **nyarsetna** » Thu Sep 18, 2008 2:26 pm

Eternities End wrote:Its gross because the concept is soooooo lame, they're tunneling to the center of the earth, you know how physically impossible that is? Plus the acting was lame and so was the script.

hahahaha, ok ok, it was lacking slightly in pretty every quality that makes for a good film. I have a large film collection that takes me so long to watch through, by the time i get to watch a lame film, it's almost a good idea! I liked the idea of the crystals inside the Earth though... Lovecraft-based films are often a disappointment to me

lovecraft518 · Post by **lovecraft518** » Thu Sep 18, 2008 5:15 pm

I'd have to agree with the terrible acting

nyarsetna · Post by **nyarsetna** » Sat Sep 20, 2008 5:28 pm

mmhhmm...

what's the most inspirational film in your lists guys?

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:06 pm

inspirational as in life-affirming? or in terms of lovecraftian cinema

nyarsetna · Post by **nyarsetna** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 6:53 am

neither, a film that made you want to just sit and write. Maybe it was an amazing piece of work that inspired you or maybe it was that amazingly bad you just had to re-write it

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 10:43 am

hmmm. i think there are some but i'll have to dig them up

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Sun Sep 21, 2008 11:50 am

The Life Aquatic is a good movie, a little pretentious, but its still pretty sweet.