a tale told by an idiot

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 4:33 pm

the arthropodic kabuki scuba diver squeegeed a few stubborn beads of glowing liquid from its carapace, which seemed to consist of both anatomy and gadgetry. the puddle from which it had emerged was steadily seeping away into the fault-flowered crater of the floor tiles.

'i'm not kidding, eh! somebody shoot it!' et'uurn't'ees-zendh groaned.

'whoa, i thought you went to yogi's room,' said je-je-bhurkh'k. 'did you come back for the bong?'

'shut up, jajay_birk,' et'uurn't'ees-zendh snarled accusingly, 'i know you were just trying to get rid of me, and, plus, i know you can also hear the idiot too as well. something fantastic is about to happen in here! i can feel it!'

ehnq'iehl slapped him. 'don't touch me with that thing! i don't know where it's been.'

et'uurn't'ees-zendh returned to the moment. 'omagaaaaaaaaa! shoot the arthritic scooby kabooby thing NOW!!!'

'THERE WILL BE NO SHOOTING OF ANYTHING IN HERE!' the arthropodic kabuki scuba diver sternly exclaimed through its hi-tech breathing apparatus.

'yeah, chill out,' said je-je-bhurkh'k. 'that's just khåjz-tsùnn wearing his puddle suit. you helped paint it, don't you remember?'

'oooh, yeh. i like geisha girls. but not as much now as i did last week.'

'ok.' je-je-bhurkh'k self-induced narcolepsy and left his digital situation recorder running to see later what happened next.

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 6:51 pm

Was that me who liked Geisha girls, or was that someone else?

Enkil · Post by **Enkil** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 4:24 am

More! More! MORE!

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 3:18 pm

Eternities End wrote:Was that me who liked Geisha girls, or was that someone else?

first you're criticizing dialogue and product placement, and now you're asking me what you like?

you're mad, a madmun

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 3:21 pm

God Damn it Im just asking questions!

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 3:39 pm

there's that famous temper again

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 4:06 pm

Don't make me come down on this like a ton of cream crackers.

(It's as potent as a ton of bricks but I can eat it too)

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Thu Apr 05, 2007 5:33 pm

I dont know man, all those crackers would make your mouth awful dry

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Fri Apr 06, 2007 3:42 pm

Any excuse for a drinking session...

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Fri Apr 06, 2007 5:46 pm

I'll grab the booze, you get the crackers

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Sat Apr 07, 2007 12:06 am

heading straight for the desuitification apparatus in order to be disengaged from the versatile yet cumbersome puddle suit, khåjz-tsùnn was intercepted by jhæzyss-präimn who slyly passed a note scrawled on the back of a fortune cookie paper. the message was bisected by a pink series of lucky lottery numbers:

jhæzyss-präimn wrote:stall them!

8 13 34 39 49 55

jhæzyss-präimn then wrote:i shall propose a toast forthwith!

before khåjz-tsùnn could object, jhæzyss-präimn launched a sinewy grappling proboscis into the ceiling and sprung in a graceful arc across the great chamber, then disappeared into a secret passage disguised with a 'public restroom' placard. the stretchy appendage unlatched itself from the frescoed duomo and snapped down and around the corner in hot pursuit. three seconds later, a salty string of expletives echoed back through the winding crawlspaces and was heard by all.

'DID I EVER DEMONSTRATE TO YOU THE ABILITY OF THIS PUDDLE SUIT TO IMPERSONATE CELEBRITIES FROM THE ’90s?' khåjz-tsùnn asked the others.

'no way!' said et'uurn't'ees-zendh. 'do tom arnold!'

khåjz-tsùnn paused. '...THE 1890s.'

et'uurn't'ees-zendh frowned but quickly recovered. 'do paw from little house on the prairie!'

'...ACTUAL CELEBRITIES OF THE ERA, NOT...' khåjz-tsùnn's posture slackened. 'DID I EVER DEMONSTRATE THE LASER POINTER?'

for the next several minutes, et'uurn't'ees-zendh screamed bloody murder, leaping under various pieces of furniture, commanding everyone at the top of his lungs to shoot the evil red fairy before it steals something.

finally, jhæzyss-präimn returned from the catacombs with a sterling silver tray (spray-painted blue) bearing an arrangement of crystal goblettes for a round of toasting. 'hear ye, hear ye! there is to be a toast!'

the inflection of the last word was too bold to mean anything but trouble. et'uurn't'ees-zendh squinted suspiciously at the beverages, unable to place the strange color. but form and etiquette forbade preemptive inquiry— a toast must simply be obeyed.

'get your cheese from the lebanese,' je-je-bhurkh'k muttered through the doughy coccoon of sleep.

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 2:07 am

'sorry, no cheese to go with this,' said jhæzyss-präimn, grasping each goblette with his array of prehensile colloid glands, extending them throughout the room, firmly and simltaneously pushing everyone into hesitant receipt of the unfamiliar libation.

'why is it pink?' et'uurn't'ees-zendh asked wincingly, trying not to grimace.

'because they're cosmopolitans,' ehnq'iehl informed him, 'and jhæzie just didn't have the proper stemware handy. don't be so bloody critical all the time.'

'hell and damnation, can't a guy ask a question around here? you farkakte schmendricks! AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!1' et'uurn't'ees-zendh nearly dropped his drink.

jhæzyss-präimn nearly dropped the tray. a look of confounded horror spread slowly over his features as he stared at ehnq'iehl. 'what. the. [censored]. did you call me.'

ehnq'iehl winked impishly, and jhæzyss-präimn succeeded in dropping the tray. then, through clenched rows of spinning brass teeth, he gratingly whispered: 'bottoms up, everyone!'

'that means drink it,' dhek'h'dënttz told et'uurn't'ees-zendh, who paused momentarily before standing up straight.

'i knew that. i was tying my reebok®.'

'lol,' dhek'h'dënttz said, then used a bendy straw to sip the contents of his goblette into his ear canal. 'hmm... an incoherent suspension. alternately thick and thin, greasy and saccharine... a gaseous effervescence... and do i detect hazelnut?'

'that's actually armadillo rinds,' said jhæzyss-präimn, 'to help cut the tartness of the goldschläger.'

khåjz-tsùnn decided to keep the puddle suit on for the moment. he used its laproscopic turkey baster to sample his share of the moonshine for a rough analysis of its properties.

jhæzyss-präimn partook. ehnq'iehl partook. et'uurn't'ees-zendh partook. je-je-bhurkh'k snored softly with a full goblette wedged between two knobby toes.

the puddle suit's spectrometric status monitor indicated 44% complete. khåjz-tsùnn's attention was jolted away by jhæzyss-präimn's impatient throat-clearing. 'RIGHT, OF COURSE...' khåjz-tsùnn groped wildly for a stalling tactic.

'SO... HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID... ER... AND HERE'S TO GOOD TIMES, AND— HEY, DID SOMEONE SAY THERE WAS CHEESE?'

63%.

'what are you waiting for!? if i drink it, you have to drink it!' et'uurn't'ees-zendh demanded.

70%.

'GAHH!' khåjz-tsùnn exclaimed, and swallowed the concoction with 28% of the analysis left to go.

by the time the puddle suit had sorted the beverage's myriad chemical signatures, je-je-bhurkh'k was the only one left breathing. everyone else had slipped into anaerobic catatonia, where they would most likely remain forever.

Eternities End · Post by **Eternities End** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 3:52 pm

cliff hanger ending!

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Mon Apr 30, 2007 12:06 pm

je-je-bhurkh'k awoke to a sharp popping sound and a wetness of the toes. the monkey cowboy was back, shooting more holes in the ceiling while his cocker-spaniel mount greedily slapped the contents of the goblette with its rubbery tongue.

'yeeeeeeeeeeeee-HAAAAWWW!!' said the monkey cowboy, reloading his tiny revolvers. 'save some o' that there sasparilla for me, ya flea-bit varmint!' the dog ignored him and continued to lick the beverage, even though most of it had been splashed over the rim and onto je-je-bhurkh'k's frontmost foot.

'hey, monkey cowboy, your dog shouldn't drink that.' said je-je-bhurkh'k, groggily reviewing the last episode on the digital situation recorder. 'it has side-effects.'

'tarnation!' said the monkey-cowboy. 'git offa there!' he took off his hat and swung it at the dog, who backed away with a series of perturbed snorts and sneezes. the damage was already done. the dog's long ears stood out straight as if suspended by invisible wires. the pupils of its eyes shrunk to the size of pinpricks and the eyeballs spun in their sockets like gyroscopes. the dog went stiff as a board, standing on its hind legs, then toppled over like a saguaro cactus struck by a runaway conestoga wagon loaded with barrels of molasses.

the monkey cowboy slumped down to his knees and buried his face in his hat. 'mmmpph, bmbh hulpf gnn gnn FRWWRHH,' he lamented.

je-je-bhurkh'k then looked at the puddle-suit, standing patiently with khåjz-tsùnn's incapacitated body still inside. a light was blinking on one of its many control panels. but not even khåjz-tsùnn knew what all those damn lights meant.

'all is not lost, cowpoke. we will consult... THE SCROLL.'

je-je-bhurkh'k rose from the floor and approached the entrance to the vaults, having no idea how to open it.

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Wed May 16, 2007 12:28 am

a howling wind carried the scents of artifical strawberry and ferris wheel oil. beyond this, nothing was perceived for some time.