The Depths of Chaparral Heights

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Tue May 23, 2006 9:34 am

the story is now hosted at Fantastic Horror (click here)

E.A. Lovecraft · Post by **E.A. Lovecraft** » Tue May 23, 2006 4:19 pm

Well, I'm hooked. When are we getting more of the story?

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Tue May 23, 2006 4:39 pm

Badass, so far. I'll want to read the rest of it, definately.

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Tue May 23, 2006 7:07 pm

thanks for the encouragement.. if anyone has any constructive criticism, please don't hold back.

aleister: does bbcode have tags for indentation and alignment? i had to do a bunch of tinkering to make this look right... when the full thing is ready, how should i submit it for the temple collection? how can i preserve the original formatting?

E.A. Lovecraft · Post by **E.A. Lovecraft** » Tue May 23, 2006 9:42 pm

My only criticisms are that the narrator's vocabulary doesn't always feel natural, and a couple of the journal entries seem a tad bit long.

Despite being a huge Lovecraft fan, I usually start to grimace about two paragraphs into new mythos stories and stop reading after five. However, what you have posted has left me eager to read to the rest.

nortonew · Post by **nortonew** » Tue May 23, 2006 10:12 pm

Burke,

It would be really hard to give you any constructive criticism on your story, because it would be really hard to criticize it.

As I read your exerpts that were supposedly from the writings of an 11th grader, my first thought was that the writer was simply writing too well for someone in that age group, (although a few, extremely gifted, 11th graders can actually write that well). I was thinking that it would be extremely unrealistic unless you were to include a comment that indicated that this was an abnormally eloquent high schooler. Then, as the quote came to an end, you basically did exactly that, in a very realistic and believable manner.

In the past, I've left positive comments to aspiring writers that seemed to have some potential - mostly just to encourage them to keep writing and to develop that potential. However, in your case, I would have to say that your potential has been realized and if it grows, you will most likely be a best seller.

I'm not just saying this because you left some positive comments about my stories. To be completely frank, I think you are a better writer than I am - and I don't think I've ever said that to anyone else I've seen post stories on the web. (Perhaps I should have, but I'm probably too egotistical to say it unless it just too blatantly obvious to miss).

There were a lot of lot of places in your narrative where I was really impressed by your phrasing. It kind of made me feel like my own writing was a bit too mechanical and unpoetic.

At any rate, keep writing. If it doesn't pay off for you big eventually, then there is no justice in this world. (Of course, the sad fact of the matter is that there probably really is no justice in this world - but just in case there is, I really think you should keep writing).

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Tue May 23, 2006 10:22 pm

my wish for the narrator is to make him reminiscent of hpl, so i've intentionally gobbed on some of the wordiness. i probably went over the top in some spots.. can you pick out some lines that hurt more than they help the story?

i was also concerned about how long the journal entries are. i tried acknowledging that here:

Is all this history a waste of space? My hand is killing me and I haven't even told the main part yet. This is my first time writing something important, so I guess I'm getting carried away.

i should be able to cut some of the journal, if i can cover those bases later in the story.

i'm hopeful about having part 2 ready by the end of the week. i'm happy you guys are enjoying it.. stay tuned

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Tue May 23, 2006 10:58 pm

hey now nortonew, that's some right neighborly support! although i am slightly embarrassed by such high compliments, it does make me feel better about not trying to rush this thing just to get it done. thanks very much.. i hope the rest of the story lives up to your initial appraisal

E.A. Lovecraft · Post by **E.A. Lovecraft** » Wed May 24, 2006 1:12 am

JJ Burke wrote:my wish for the narrator is to make him reminiscent of hpl . . .

To me, Lovecraft's voice comes across as archaic and stale in modern storytelling, and attempting to imitate it is a HUGE part of what keeps most mythos tales from rising above the pack. I think you have the ability to do what most modern authors don't, and that is to write a mythos tale that is truly fresh. Personally, I'm willing to bet you can make what is already a good story even better by using more of JJ Burke's voice and less of Howie's. The story's structure and subject is enough of a nod to the master.

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Wed May 24, 2006 8:09 am

It'd probably be easier to give some constructive criticism across the whole piece, rather than a section, as things could balance out when taken as a whole, whereas one bad paragraph or a few wrong words seem more important in a smaller section. But I agree with Norton's view on the journals, although I was writing quite well at that age, I was an oddity, and even at that it wasn't as mature as those entries, so if you simplified it down it might seem better. I recommend cutting it into shorter sentences rather than changing a lot of words.

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Wed May 24, 2006 8:29 am

ok, this is all good advice. i'll see what i can do about moving robert coyman away from doogie howser territory.. he's supposed to be sort of exceptional, but not exactly a writing genius. and maybe i can tone down the mimicry of hpl in emiel's voice too. thanks for the input, fokes

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Wed May 24, 2006 8:40 am

Hurry up and get the next bit finished!

N. Lesser · Post by **N. Lesser** » Thu May 25, 2006 6:46 am

I know nothing, but here goes anyway:

I've read much worse printed material, yours has great potential. But I did find that the story was a little flat: no feel of direction. Perhaps it is too early to say because the lenght of the story is not known. Also, Robert's writing seemed too composed -- not meaning writing talent -- but that it would be better to be able to see in his writing the breaking up of language, as he starts to experience pretty weird stuff.

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Thu May 25, 2006 1:50 pm

hmm.. you're right, there isn't much direction in this part. i'm just trying to set up the weird circumstances that compel emiel to begin his investigation.

would be effective for robert to use broken-up language as he's writing about those experiences later, when he's had some time to think about them? this whole well-writing-teen thing is trickier than i thought

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Thu May 25, 2006 2:16 pm

go find a neighbour who's about that age, give him a briefing, and get him to do it for you. Then kick his ass.