The Temple of Dagon

I figured I'd post some of the first film I wrote, see what you guys think. I'm only posting a few select scenes ftom this, it's actually about forty pages long.

Scene 1 - The Shuffling Madness

Outside the Forbidden Planet in Belfast, early morning (8-9 am). Busy street, with plenty of people walking past. Belial is standing to one side of the door, and turns to face Meph as he emerges from the shop, with a sour look on his face. This expression fades a they exchange a few friendly, non-connecting blows, and then turn to face the throng of people, with condescending looks etched on their faces - they’re above these frantic shoppers looking for bargains. Who needs money when you don’t pay for anything?

Belial: (singing) In the shuffling madness, of Locomotive Breath
Meph: (joining in) Runs the all-time loser, headlong to his death.
Belial: Tull! Wooo! (Raises fists excitedly)
Meph: (chuckling to himself, his anger subsiding) Yeah.
Belial: Man, I love that song.
Meph: One question though. What the shit’s it even about?
Belial: I dunno. Drugs?
Meph: Makes more sense than my idea, anyways.
Belial: What was that?
Meph: That it was all a metaphor for how people wonder why God allows bad things to happen. With the ‘all-time loser’ being mankind, and all the bad stuff representing disasters God allows to happen, and man wonders why he doesn’t step in, you know, to stop the train and stuff, but it was Him who stole the handle, telling us that he wants it that way.
Belial: You serious?
Meph: Nope. (Starts laughing) Man, I can’t believe I kept a straight face through that.
Belial: (Laughs) You’re getting better.
Meph: I am.
Belial: But you’re no Richard Pryor.
Meph: Damn right, I can still walk.

Both laugh

Belial: Did you talk to Beelzebub?
Meph: Yeah.
Belial: So what’s the deal, why aren’t we inside? I can’t stand this sunlight, and I want to read the new Bluntman and Chronic.
Meph: Well, he won’t let us in, because he says we’ve spent the past three years looking at the comics, opening the toys to play with them, and drinking his coffee, but in all that time we haven’t spent a bloody penny.
Belial: Now that’s a damn lie, I can swear I bought an issue of The Freak Brothers once.
Meph: No, no, you stole that.
Belial: Well, shit, if he wants money, I’ll buy this week’s Bluntman.
Meph: No dice, I already tried to buy that Megatron I’m always playing with.
Belial: (getting aggravated) Bitch! So we can’t get in, and we can’t try to rectify the reason that we’re barred for in the first place? Fuck!
Meph: (trying to calm Belial) Seems that way, man. And hold up…I use the big words.
Belial: Well, ‘rectify’ ain’t too big.
Meph: Yes, but the idea behind our characters was that I’m the smart, levelheaded, Soundwave type, and you’re the impetuous, uncouth, Starscream figure.
Belial: Wait there; you’re breaking the fourth wall.
Meph: Belial, stop. The fourth wall is an unapproachable and impassable boundary, and the only way to have knowledge of it is to be on the outside of it. Since we're in this film, we are inside the fourth wall, and subsequently shouldn't know about it. In effect, your complaints about breaking the fourth wall mean that you, in point of fact, are breaking it yourself.
Belial: (Confused) What?
Meph: Never mind.
Belial: Wait… which Megatron?
Meph: Armada. Shit series, but good toys.
Belial: Well, now what do we do? Sit in Games Workshop all day? You know I hate that shit.
Meph: There may be another option…
Belial: Now what are you suggesting?
Meph: Well, there’s a Forbidden Planet in Dublin, right?
Belial: No bones man, I’m not moving again, we just found a good place here. We’ll have to find somewhere else, is all.
Meph: Hey, I didn’t say we move. What I’m saying is, if we could go there, and buy something, something big, we could bring the receipt back here, and he’d have to let us back in.
Belial: Sounds like a bad Kevin Smith rip-off to me…
(Both look at camera)

Fade to black.

Scene 2 - Godzilla versus the Power Rangers

Inside the Forbidden Planet. A veritable treasure trove of nerdish crap, comics, and Transformers stuff, with a dim haze obscuring things very slightly. Two people are sitting behind the counter, smoking. On the counter itself sit various subtle jokes and references to assorted comedy films - a Buddy Christ, a holy hand-grenade, the Pink Panther ruby - as well as an Oscar statue. Beside the Oscar stands a handwritten sign reading ‘hint’ in oddly spaced letters. The camera pans around the shop slowly, as soft music can be heard in the background. When the camera returns to the counter, the sign can be seen more clearly, and can now be seen to read ‘No shoplifting, thanks’ in red and black. The two shopkeepers are engaged in a quiet conversation, which is audible, but impossible to make out. One, Beelzebub (or ‘Beelzie), is a tall man, with a goatee beard, and short black hair, vaguely resembling the ‘Clerks’ character Dante. The other, Jezebel, is an attractive brunette with an air of intelligence and sophistication about her. They keep glancing out the front window, to where we cannot see, but it should be clear they are looking at Belial and Mephistopheles.

Jez: Those friggin’ stoners. I thought you barred them?
Beelzie: Yeah, but the street outside’s public property.
Jez: Shit.
Beelzie: Yeah, well, at least they’re not opening Magic boosters ‘till they find what they’re looking for.
Jez: Clarity?
Beelzie: (laughs) Well, I was going to say foil rares, but anyway.
Jez: It was a great idea though, not to let them in again until they bought something, and not letting them buy anything.
Beelzie: Yeah, we’ll be clear of those guys for good, now.
Jez: Thank God. The smart one I didn’t mind, he was a nice guy. Polite. But that tall one’s a fucking prick.
Beelzie: Aye.

The door opens, a somewhat nerdish-looking boy, of about 12, steps in and begins to look around.

Jez: So you were telling me about that new Power Rangers movie?
Beelzie: Yeah, the Dragonzord’s back or something.
Jez: Sweet. And the Green Ranger?
Beelzie: Well, I assume so. Without him, it’s just a really bad ‘Godzilla versus the Power Rangers’ crossover.

The boy who walked in earlier approaches the counter with a comic book.

Boy: (With an intolerably whining, nasal voice) How much is this Transformers comic?
Beelzie: Forty quid.
Boy: What? I’ll give you five for it.
Beelzie: What are you, stupid? That’s been signed by Orson Welles. You know, Unicron in the original movie.
Boy: (The reference to a god among men has obviously gone right over the kid’s head) Who?
Beelzie: (Agitated) Orson Welles? Orson fucking Welles? Citizen Kane? Do you kids know nothing? (Calming down) Plus, it’s in mint. Forty quid, or no comic.
Boy: Keep it, I only gots five. I’ll take some of those penny chews.
Beelzie: Three quid.
Boy: Jesus!
Beelzie: Kidding, kidding. Ten pence, kid.

Transaction is made, boy leaves.

Jez: Smooth, man. Real smooth.
Beelzie: You try selling the good stuff to those tightwads.
Jez: I thought we didn’t sell any good stuff.
Beelzie: Oh, hardy-bloody-har. Shouldn’t you be on the till upstairs?
Jez: Yeah, but there’s no one here.
Beelzie: Humour me.
Jez: (Begrudgingly) Ok, ok…

Jez gets up, and goes upstairs to the second floor comic section.

Scene 15 - Cat

The trio are entering a swanky-looking restaurant, bent on spending more of Samson’s money. It seems to be a vastly over-priced and snobbishly luxurious place, with chandeliers and the works. They sit at a table, and Meph leans back in his chair, putting his feet on the table.

Meph: Ah, that’s comfortable.
Belial: Lights are too bright… And all I can smell is cat.
Meph: That’s because you smell like cat.
Jez: (Politely) Waiter? Waiter?
Belial: (Crassly) GARCON!
Meph: Tone it down, boy. There’s one coming.

A female waiter approaches

Belial: I’ll have whatever smells like cat.
Meph: (Punching Belial under the table) He means he wants a menu.

She hands out three menus

Jez: (Looking over the menu) Ooh, I’ll have the fillet mignon.
Belial: Um… Meph, how do you say this one? (Points at his menu)
Meph: (Leaning to see the menu) (Slowly) Cheese burger.
Belial: No, that one. (Points again)
Meph: (looking again) Oh. Tagliatelle. Make that two portions of tagliatelle.

Scene 16 - Gratuitous Monkey Scene

Well, we needed a gratuitous monkey scene (or so says Dermot…) so here it is. The three are walking out of the restaurant, along the streets of Dublin. They begin to head back towards the train station, and stop at a set of traffic lights, about to hit the button. The traffic cannot be seen, as the camera is just in front of the trio.

Meph: Wait’ll you see this, there’s a yellow man on the lights down here.

Meph pushes the button, and a close-up of the traffic lights shows a yellow man appears below the red man. Then, back to the trio.

Belial: Hey, guys?
Meph: Yeah?
Belial: Should there not be cars driving on this road?
Meph: There are, that’s why we hit the traffic lights.
Belial: No, those aren’t cars…
Meph: What do you mean?
Belial: It seems like three o’clock is rush hour for monkeys.

True enough, the camera pans around, and the lanes of traffic are composed entirely of various sorts of monkeys running along the road. They begin to slow, and then stop, as the little man on the lights flashes green. As the trio cross slowly and incredulously, the monkeys hoot and shriek in a manner similar to drivers honking their car horns.

Belial: (Once they have reached the other side of the road) Hehehe, monkeys.

kevin smith never had a gratuitous monkey scene. i suggest that some of the monkeys should be riding dogs like horses. a monkey riding a dog is probably the awesomest thing that could ever happen.

HAHAHA!
And no, Smith didn't have monkeys. But the premise and characters are enough of a rip-off to warrant the references.