The Temple of Dagon

I posted this on the public archives way back and no one has said a word about it, pro or con. What gives? Comments!

Death is the touched upon theme
for the raging sea that hides her screams
With blistering truths and scars aplenty
marching madness drums upon infinity

Old beings of cold scale and slimy hide
form a circle beneath the heavy tide
where Dagon dwells in dreaming decadence
and souls are torn for lack of pennance

Hell is not other people anymore
it is the brink on which sits the shore
where the singing, tentacled visage stirs
whirling dervish, his and hers

Sifting through the rubble old
cold bone and stone and abalone
we conquer and are conquered
by those Old Ones' gift,
through the sand of our bones they sift

The ending to a tale is told
the aeons delete themselves and unfold
Anew is the horror
for a generation of silence
climbing the crags
we sit in stoney reverance

Handed fates from mouth to mouth
it goes on its way
forever slimy and south
No exit for the masses
and the flowers drown
beneath stars that resemble a
kingless crown...

I like it I find it hard to review poetry since it is so subjective

Try make it half as long with double the intensity. Figure out the pace and rime.

gorgliat wrote:Try make it half as long with double the intensity. Figure out the pace and rime.

Right.

It's "rhyme".

i like the line 'cold bone and stone and abalone.' it reminds me of a 60s folk song that goes like this:
i don't want to die,
i just want to ride on my motorcy
...cle
anyway i think the abalone line is the most memorable part. i was on a poetry forum a while back. i gave it up because those people were too eager to dissect and engineer the language, until all the fun of poetry was bled out of it. so that's my apology for my semi-lame feedback.

JJ Burke wrote:i like the line 'cold bone and stone and abalone.' it reminds me of a 60s folk song that goes like this:
i don't want to die,
i just want to ride on my motorcy
...cle
anyway i think the abalone line is the most memorable part. i was on a poetry forum a while back. i gave it up because those people were too eager to dissect and engineer the language, until all the fun of poetry was bled out of it. so that's my apology for my semi-lame feedback.

Actually your feedback was appreciated I run poetry forums and my people are not anything like that. Ask Al.