Temple of Dagon story tournament (Voting closed - JP wins!)

[Hodgson]

I did the same with your story, EE, as with Prime's. (see 1st post in thread)

[Eternities End]

I did the same with your story, EE, as with Prime's. (see 1st post in thread)

cool

[Hodgson]

Has anybody finished?

[Jesus Prime]

I'm finished.

[odin2]

Here is the first half of mine...
(The other half is on a floppy disk in a box, in my desk, at school.....Stupid me forgot it...I will have it up in the morning.)



Raven Mocker


1966.
The old man sat weakly on his wrinkle-free, gearm-free, immaculate white bed.
It was made even whiter by the fact theat every person in the roomwas wrapped in brown skin. The white folks called it red.
His surroundings,with its touch of alcohol, stale urine feces, and death scents were strange and always would be.
It wasn't his home, and how he yearned to go home.
But reall you couldn't call the house a home anymore. Not with Lylie gone.
But after fourty yearsof living in the same place with the same women, where else were you gonna call home?
his family sataround him like they always did on tuesday nights.
It was there night to visit.Nancy, the eldest always sat beside him as if to make up for the fact thhat she had thought of the idea of placing him in this nursing home.
A home they called it a waiting place for death is what the old man thought of it. But he never allowed himself too much further along this line. Nancy, was and always would be his favorite .
Next to her was her only child, Codywho seemed to be constantly on the verge of catching a cold.Even now he was wiping his little ten year old nose with the sleeve of his light blue jacket. His mother had found a good man at the " bording school." A smart young full-blood Cherokee manwho died in an oil rig accident in the Texas panhandlewhen their son had only been six or seven years old.
Charley Clearwater had been his name. Cody's father. Yes, he had been a good man, but enen so the old man wonderd why his daughter had nevver remarried. Cody's innocent, brown eyes seemed to take in everything around him just as his fathers had.
He could almost see Charley in those sharp eyes.
"Eyes of the eagle" the old man thought proudly. " Or of the owl" another voice seemed to say uninvited ON the large "home provided" easy chair next to the foot of his bed sat his large, lumbering , overweight son, GA-DA-GI-SKA (DirtEater.)
"DirtEater is thirty-four now" The old man thought."Maybe thirty-five..." The old man was not sure anymore. This "old-folks home" had a way of makingevery day seem the same untill you were not sure wich way tou pulled on you underware.
NO one but him called his son DirtEater and with his son's weight coming at you at fourty miles an hour, you quickly learned the man liked to be called Johnson.He had brought his twin six year old, skinny as twigs, daughters and they sat on each side of their obese father. The old man held a suspicion that GA-DA-GI-SKA ate his daughters' portions at every meal...and probly his wifes' too. This line of thought never failed to bring a quick smile to the old, cracked lips of the old man
He also thought it was funny that GA-DA-GI-SKA spouse never came with him. Only the children seemed to care to see their old grandfather. But he knew why Nancys' son came, he came for the stories. And the two girls came becouse they loved their father.
Well, he wouldnt disappoint the boy.
The old man looked out the windo and watched the darkness of the night as it stood holding guard outside the nursing home.
A fleeting strangness filled the ancient eyes . Eyes that had seen more then they would ever rember.
Tonight he would tell the about the "WHISPERED ONES." The "ONES" who were nearly forgotten now . And, he supposed ,even "THEY" deserved to be rembered. Beside the thin frame of their grandfather ,the three young Cherokees sat quietly knowing how great a storyteller he was.
The frail arms of the man wrapped around the youngsters.Tiny shivers of old age could be felt throught the robe that covered the nearly worn out body.
"Tonight young ones ,"the old man started (His narrations were always a unique mix of English and Cherokee),
"I will tell you of a people no one ever rembers. a clan that ANI-TSA-LA-GI seem not to want to rember. But we must rember, so the TSA-LA-GI will not make the same mistake again."
"No! Daddy," Nancy said stronglythen lowered her eyes. The old man did not have to speak. His eyes filled with the wisdom of age, only had to dart to his daughter but he knew she would object to him telling the legend. It was a horrible and bloody lesson that neede to be past down. And perhaps, if the TSA-LA-GI were lucky, they would never have to lear the lesson again.
Once again the storyteller looked out the window as if he could see something out in the darkness that the others could not.
Then he began:
"Before the TSA-LA-GI were forced from their home in the east. Befor ever a whit man stepped on this land. Even befor we came here, there was twelve clans of the TSA-LA-GI . We lived in a land of floods and wearied of the trails the water brought, so we went in search of dry land. Land that would be sutable for us. THe search for this land took many years. Durring this search we came to a path surrounded by huge bodies of water. Years passed as clan by clan crossed over the land between the great waters. and just as the eight clan crossed the huge rocks that made the path were covered by, still yet another flood. The way was destroyed and no other clan could follow. "
" We waited and waited for the last four clans but theynever came. We searched for them but never found them At last we went on. And such is the way it is. The eight clans were these: ANI WA YA, ANI KA WA, ANI TSI SKWA, ANI WA DI,
ANI SA HA NI, ANI GI LO HI, AMI GA TA GE WI, and ANI KU TA NI."
"We have seven clans today, it is the KU TA NI, clan that is missing.
ANI KU TA NI were the clan of the medicine people. And even back then they were old and mysterious. It is whispered that they were all-powerful, not only in the ways of medicine but they also held great seats in the concil chambers. their word was almost law and not to abide by their counsel menthaving to suffer their awful wrath. The medicine they knew was great also
Greater the any that has ever been and perhaps greater then ever will be. I have been told they rivaled even the father in heaven, YO WA. And those that pass this story down as I do to you, suspect that it was he that caused the KU TA NI to disapper from the face of the earth. It is said that ANI KU TA NI had the power to change the course of the winds. To move mountains. to cause lakes to form and rivers to change their paths. And the greatest among them could even tell the sun to stop or move backward......

[JJ Burke]

dammit, i really tried to finish my story, honest. i guess it just wasn't in me, it wasn't meant to be. maybe i should have tried a different approach...... anyway, i'm going to keep mine as a work-in-progress on my desktop, and eventually submit it for temple review. i can't win this particular contest, but that doesn't mean my efforts were wasted.

on to the reading and voting

[Jesus Prime]

How long do you think it'll take? Odin's story's not going to be up til tomorrow, if that's enough time for you.

[Eternities End]

dammit, i really tried to finish my story, honest. i guess it just wasn't in me, it wasn't meant to be. maybe i should have tried a different approach...... anyway, i'm going to keep mine as a work-in-progress on my desktop, and eventually submit it for temple review. i can't win this particular contest, but that doesn't mean my efforts were wasted.

on to the reading and voting

Seriously man I wrote mine in a night...I'm sure you can finish it up.

[Hodgson]

Let's at least give it until tomorrow.

[JJ Burke]

veins of constipation are throbbing on my forehead. i will give it another night.. are we waiting for anyone else?

[Hodgson]

If odin's done, then we're waiting for you, Woodruff (who sent me part of a story in a pm to be posted in case he doesn't finish) and Yog-Sothoth. But I haven't heard from Yogi on this since he first mentioned it, so I wouldn't expect him.

[Jesus Prime]

I wouldn't expect him anyway. See his last effort?

[JJ Burke]

sorry chums, i'm just not getting anywhere with my story. it's not something i can force out with willpower.. my writing is an organic process with no real pace or structure. i just don't feel any momentum in what i've done so far, but i think it could become something if i let it ferment in my subconscious for a while.

i appreciate the extra slack, but enough is enough. the show must go on!

my latest progress:


Beware the Manitongva
by JJ Burke

This is a difficult time for people of the old ways, and times will grow ever more difficult from now on. For ten generations we have lived in the shadow of a falling mountain. All we have known since the beginning of memory will soon be smashed to dust and scattered in the winds of a neverending storm.

So here you are, following an old legend to escape what the future holds. You covet the secret knowledge of the Manitongva, the rogue shamans from behind the hills. How do they keep the Espanya people out of their land while the rest of us are overrun? How do they resist the cruel soldados with their armas and their vicious dogs? Why do no padres approach them with biblias and rosarios, promising to save their souls from imprisonment in the underworld?

The answer is not something you can carry home with you. Of those who go behind the hills, only a few return. Of those who return, only a few speak of what they saw. Of those who speak, none are believed.

The ways of the Manitongva are mostly unknown, but their beginnings are tied directly to our own history. Ten generations ago, when the Espanya first put their eyes on us from their great sailing ships in the bay, they just sailed away and left us alone. We didn’t know they were already dominating the east, and would eventually reach us in greater numbers.

At that early stage, there was a shaman who came among the people to warn them. He called himself Water Bear, and he came from the north through Chumash territory, though he was not of the Chumash people. Some say he was not a man at all, but a messenger-child of Manit, father of dreams, and Pamit, mother of the sea. Water Bear spoke of reviving an old magic that was once known to our ancestors. He said our leaders had failed to preserve the people’s true heritage, which was ancient and grand beyond anyone’s imagination.

to be continued...

[Hodgson]

All right, the 5 stories are linked in the first post, and all we need to begin is the second half of odin's story. I've extended the voting to the 30th; that'll give this round 10 days for voting.

[odin2]

Last half.... Lets go!




"But it is also said they could change their forms into any thing they wished to become, or anyone. And because of these powers the KU TA NI became currupt. Over the ages, they took advantage of the fear and respect the other clans gave them.
Their clan included a young man named NI CO TA NI his heart was evil, even from birth. He wanted most that wich he couldnt have.
And as he grew older his eyes looked upon the beautiful wife of the chiefs son and coveted her. But he was not the only one to behave in such shameful ways. Others of his family followed NI CO TA NI and revered as next in line as head of the clan. Even coveting anothers wife was not below them.
THe power of fear they held over the TSA LA GI was so great they felt they could do any thing they wanted and feared nothing and no one."
"The day came when the warriors had gone to battle and the children played in the town of KI TU WA GI the wives and daughters busied themselfs making the victory feast. they gatherd wood for the fire. a small group of women went into the surrounding forest to find the much needed smokeless wood...It was then that the group of KU TA NI lead be NI CO TA NI came and took the women away aginst their will.
It wasnt till late that night when the warriors came back from the battle that they discoveredonly the children and old men were left the women were not to be found. setting around the fire the warriors were told what had happened. Half the warriors were afraid to anger the KU TA NI clan, and the others were angry enough not to care. And so the arguing went on into the night.
The war chief said there was nothing they could do if they tried to take the women back the KU TA NI would surely kill them all.
The war chiefs son laughed at them, calling them old women. He wasnt afraid of waht the KU TA NI might do. But he was afraid of what they might do to his beautiful wife. He would go to save her and the other women.
If the others were to afraid....He would go alone.
They say that it was the bravery of this one young man who would face the awesome power of the KU TA NI to have back his bride, that caused the rest of tthe men to gather their curage and follow
And there in the cold land , with the spring night sky above , our people had their first civel war.
And such a war there has never been and never shall be again untill the end of time."
"THe KU TA NI faught the warriors with their magic. Many ,many brave men died that night in what has only been whispered as
'TSA GI GA THLA' In englesh there are no words. some have called it 'the night of mixing blood' for it is said that the blood of men mixed with the blood of KU TA NI and mingled with the blood of deamons. They say the blood from the battle flew every where. Some even landed on the moon and that is why it turns red sometimes and it is on those night that we must listen for the RavenMocker."
"What's that Granpa?" It was Cody asking.
Torn from the past, the old man looked down at the little boy and smiled. Yes he had named him right the moment he had been born A WO HA LI the eagle.
" THe Raven Mocker is a terrible thing. It is the legecy of the KU TA NI. Just as the last member of that clan lay dying in a pool of his own blood a very strange thin happend. As bloodied warriors gatherd around the dying form of NI CO TA NI he raised his left hand and called down a raven from a nearby tree. With his dying breath he cursed the TSA LA GI with the Raven Mocker.
Death.
It is said that the bird flew from NI CO TA NI's hand and headed in the direction of the nearest healer. That healer became secretive and became known sa a witch. That one taught others and the first becam so black hearted he became the first
KHO LVNA HYE LI SKI. The Raven Mocker The most feared of all TSA LA GI sorcerers. But there was a price to be paid . He becam a flesh eater. Hearts and livers. Human hearts and livers and as long as he keept eatin there was no end to his powers."
"Is he still alive granpa?" It was Cody again.
" No I don't know how long he lived but ther medicine man named GUN SKA LI SKI whose wife died suddenly and no one know why. GUN SKA LI SKI some how found out that it had been the work of the Raven Mocker and killed the hateful thing. After that it is said that GUN SKA LI SKI becam the first Raven Mocker hunter."
"You mean there were more granpa?" Again, Cody.
" Well, there have been many but none as brave, or perhaps foolesh as GUN SKA LI SKI. I will tell you of him next time. Ah, he was a good warrior."
The old man ruffled the little boys hair and smiled. THen slowly, the smile becam a grimace of pain.
He clenched his night shirt at his chest and gripped the cloth in what would turn out to be a death hold.
Later the coronor would need several minutes to unfold the old mans last grip.

The little ten year old boy stood nearby as the ambulance drove away from the nursing home.
Maybe it was a crule joke shared by memory and age that would cause Cody to think back on this night and swear that he heard the shrill cry of a raven....
Maybe not.