Mythos Poem #2: A Tribute to Cthulhu... Redux

[Enkil]

When the stars aligned, and with R’lyeh - Cthulhu did rise
We did many things but could not keep him at bay,
He conquered the world and brought about our demise.

His lost city of R’lyeh, of grand, cyclopean size,
Ascended from the hollow fathoms of eons decay
When the stars aligned, and with R’lyeh - Cthulhu did rise.

During His conquest the world was deaf with the agonizing cries
Of children dying. Still, though many swore His injustices to repay
He conquered the world and brought about our demise.

When the horrors subsided he loosed ecstasy of unheard of size,
Most of us celebrated and praised the day
When the stars aligned, and with R’lyeh - Cthulhu did rise.

Now we have no want for money, what we need He supplies
Yet others of us still pine for before the day
When he conquered the world and brought our demise

Alas, there is no use in thinking of olden times now, nor of our demise
His reign is has been established, as it had been predestined that day
When the stars aligned, and with R’lyeh Cthulhu did rise
He conquered the world and brought about our demise


---

This is a villanelle I wrote for a creative writing class. I have some problems with it, but over all I'm satisfied. What do y'all think?

[Aleister]

I like it

[JJ Burke]

this sounds like it would be interesting to see performed on stage, maybe with a chorus or something

[Enkil]

Thanks for the input. Any other questions, comments, queeries? Advice, criticisms (on my spelling even)?

[JJ Burke]

During His conquest the world was deaf with the agonizing cries
Of children dying.

this bugged me a little.. i think you're trying to describe the cries as agonizing and deafening, but 'deaf with' doesn't sound right somehow.

i understand you are working within a constrictive format, so it can't be easy to choose the perfect words and phrases.. i'm not even sure how much punctuation i can recommend, without messing up the meter you have in place. but there are a few places where a comma or semicolon could help distinguish parts...

it's very hard to critique poetry without knowing exactly what the author's objective was, and even then it's a lot of value judgments most times. but i do want to encourage more poems (and more new writing all around), so keep up the good work!

[N. Lesser]

This is a villanelle I wrote for a creative writing class. I have some problems with it, but over all I'm satisfied. What do y'all think?

I know how hard it is to write a poem -- kudos to you -- especially under any restrictions.

Didn't the teacher or the fellow students offer any constructive criticism? Anyway, what irked me was the use of mundane words describing so exotic things, and that I couldn't find a rhythm, perhaps I just didn't feel it. Also, there seem to be no line lenght restrictions on villenelle, but the lines do seem a bit diluted.

P.S. I do not know a thing

[Enkil]

Alright, it's been a long time since I actually sat down to do work on this. I'll say first though, it was just a junk assignment that the teacher collected and checked off, just for a grade, nothing serious.

I tried to perk up the descriptions, I'm not sure how well I did. There isn't any real rhthm, I admit, which is a problem.

Here's my upgrade:

That day the stars aligned - and with Lost R’lyeh the Great Cthulhu did rise,
Against Him we raged, fighting His dim, corrupted light, but failed to keep Him at bay,
He vanquished our fair world, and brought our civilizations demise.

His sunken necropolis, known as R’lyeh, of magnificent, cyclopean size,
Came forth in a transcendent assumption from the hollow fathoms of eons decay
That day the stars aligned, and with Lost R’lyeh the Great Cthulhu did rise,

During His conquest the world sundered under the agonizing cries
Of the deranged and the dying. Still, though many vowed His injustices to repay,
He vanquished our fair world, and brought our civilizations demise.

When the horrors subsided He enlightened us with an ecstasy of unnamable size,
And most of us reveled in the new, flaming, holocaust of joy - and praised that day…
That day the stars aligned, and with Lost R’lyeh the Great Cthulhu did rise,

Now we have no want for money, what we need He supplies.
Still… others of us still pine and hurt for before that day
He vanquished our fair world, and brought civilizations demise.

Alas, now there is no use in reminiscing in the days of yore, nor thinking of our demise,
His reign is now and forever; yet I’m still nostalgic for before that day…
That day the stars aligned - and with Lost R’lyeh the Great Cthulhu did rise,
He vanquished our fair world and brought civilizations demise.

[JJ Burke]

i'm curious about how you pronounce r'lyeh.. is it similar to 'ruLAY' or 'RILyeh' or what? that would have some bearing on the rhythm

[Jesus Prime]

I always said it "earl-yay".

[JJ Burke]

i find it's easier to pronounce if you get somebody to punch you in the neck while you say it

[Enkil]

haha, i always say it as "rel-yah"

[Tindalos]

The poem's great, but I'm not a huge fan of rhyming, just a fluent poetry that you can read without feeling to pre-schooly. Just my own stupid opinion.

[Enkil]

Really? I think it's a pretty shit poem. It's not fluent, not exotic and isnt that exciting. But I'll work on it again, since it seems to have some promise.