"BAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Sat Aug 19, 2006 7:10 pm

you're talking kid stuff, crazy stuff. i have SEEN the reality of monkeys riding dogs. i have been to the mountain-top. do you think a turtle has ever successfully walked on stilts, or even wanted to?? no way.. you're just talking crazy now.

but a monkey loves to ride a dog, and the dog is probably cool with it too

E.A. Lovecraft · Post by **E.A. Lovecraft** » Sat Aug 19, 2006 7:21 pm

Maybe stilt usage is all that stands between turtles and total world domination. Maybe monkeys on dogs are a turtle-created phenomenon meant to distract mankind while the sneaky little shell-backed bastards figure out how to overcome their lack of opposable thumbs and strap on stilts. Who's talkin' crazy now!?

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Sun Aug 20, 2006 12:46 pm

I figure stilt-wearing snapping turtles will be the first line of attack.

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Sun Aug 20, 2006 3:04 pm

i declare war mobilization! we will each take 25 years to assemble our forces.

your tasks include:
1. engineer a turtle stilt mechanism that can be fitted to various kinds of turtles.
2. devise a screening process to select the turtles most suited for combat.
3. train or otherwise condition the turtles to walk on the stilts, contrary to the physiology of their legs and joints.
4. as a side hobby in the intervening years, you might like to study recipes for turtle soup.
5. in 2031, when you have graduated almost 2 turtles from your military academy, assemble them on the battlefield and prepare for the most senseless slaughter ever inflicted by one force upon another.

while my job is relatively easy:
1. travel around the country, befriending circus folk with tall tales and methamphetamines.
2. disseminate my monkey-focus-group-researched monkey propaganda, which makes monkeys hate turtles and love dog equestrianism.
3. put chainsaws on either side of the dog saddles, and give the monkeys poison dart blow guns.
4. procure the services of jane goodall to help distinguish the best leaders among the troops.
5. in 2031, bring my dog-monkey cavalry brigades to the battlefield, and plead with them in vain not to commit the most senseless slaughter ever inflicted by one force upon another.

if you can foresee any other possible outcomes, you are out of your cotton-picking mind

E.A. Lovecraft · Post by **E.A. Lovecraft** » Sun Aug 20, 2006 5:34 pm

Keep dreaming, buddy. My turtles will drop cyanide-laced hamburger, effectively eliminating your cavalry. Train all you want for that one; if you're a dog man, you know what the outcome will be.

The second line will then move in with heat-targeting machine guns strapped to their backs, wiping out every warm-blooded simian in their path.

Your monkeys' skulls and poison darts will make fine shell ornaments.

The best part is, I can do this with or without the stilts.

Pinonomicon · Post by **Pinonomicon** » Sun Aug 20, 2006 5:57 pm

Going by documentary evidence (cartoons) precedent has already been set for highly skilled matial arts trained turtles.

JJ Burke · Post by **JJ Burke** » Sun Aug 20, 2006 6:23 pm

we're losing sight of the crucial match-up here.. this is supposed to be monkeys on dogs vs. turtles on stilts. perhaps a mechanized war scenario isn't the best indicator of their essential strengths. we must lay down our foolish human pride and observe these phenomena as they occur naturally, in the wild, where these beasts square off in daily competition for scarce resources

Rodr-Evil · Post by **Rodr-Evil** » Sun Aug 20, 2006 6:27 pm

*smoking a joint

Yog-Sothoth · Post by **Yog-Sothoth** » Sun Aug 20, 2006 8:01 pm

Jesus Prime · Post by **Jesus Prime** » Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:52 am

No one ever ruled out Japanese-style Mecha suit stilts. Gundman Turtles versus the simian Grand National line-up? Turtle power!

odin2 · Post by **odin2** » Mon Aug 21, 2006 9:03 am

Rodr-Evil wrote:*smoking a joint

Mind if I share?

Rodr-Evil · Post by **Rodr-Evil** » Mon Aug 21, 2006 1:53 pm

yes Lol