Finding Gods

I. A Postcard from Arkham

Dear Janet,
How are you and Dale? Mike and I are fine . . . really! And we have the most wonderful news! We’ve accepted god into our hearts and lives. Yeah, I know — you want to tear this up and forget you ever had a little sister, right? But wait — hear me out! It’s not that god . . .

Oh shoot! This wasn’t how I wanted to break the news to you — let me start over.

Remember how Dr. Whitworth said I couldn’t have kids? ‘Barren,’ he said. Well, actually he used some technical mumbo-jumbo, but you get the idea. Anyway, Jan, the Doc was wrong! We have a bouncing new baby boy — and it’s all on account of our new god!

How did this happen, you’re probably asking right now? Well, we accepted the Black Goat and observed His/Her (I can never remember which!) rites. Actually, it was kind of like witchcraft! Not the New Age crap — the real thing! Like in the olden days . . . you know, meeting in the woods and getting naked and all. And afterwards, well, let’s just say that with all those people watching Mike was like an animal! And with the blindfold on (don’t ask!) he felt so . . . big! And he smelled so musky too — it was very exciting!

And nine weeks later (yes, Jan, I said "weeks" — not "months"!) we had our little Tad (Thaddeus, actually, but we call him "Tad" for short).

Anyway, I’d better wrap this up pretty soon — Mike and Tad will be expecting their supper (homemade lasagna, their favoriteI). But I just wanted to share our good news with you, sis, and let you in on a great deal (I know you and Dale have been wanting a child of your own for a long time now!). And believe me, you get used to the strange words.

Well, Ia! Shub-Niggurath, and all that jazz — I’d better go start their supper.

With love,

PS — Another good thing about Tad. We don’t even need to buy him pants — and he’s even getting used to the kids at school (he’s already in fifth grade — my, they grow up so fast!) making fun of his ‘furry woolen trousers,’ as they put it. And let me tell you, Jan, it’s so nice to hear the pitter-patter of little feet around the house — even if they are hooved feet (don’t need to buy shoes neither)!

And a very special surprise: Tad’s already expecting a little sister or brother — maybe even triplets! Or more!

II. A Postcard from Innsmouth

Dear Sarah,
It was great to hear about your new god and your newfound fortune! Especially since I found god too! He’s called Dagon, like in the Bible — only I don’t think it’s the same one as the Phillistines had — this one lives in Ryla, or something like that anyway. And his boss is called Cthulhu (makes you want to say, "Gesundheit," doesn’t it?).

And not to be bragging or anything, sis, but the rites of your god sound perfectly tame compared to the rites of my god! Dagon likes blood sacrifice and all that — which reminds me, Dale and I are no longer together. We were, um . . . separated (Dagon is a very hungry god . . . ha, ha). Um, forget I said that, OK? I was sworn to secrecy and all that . . .

Anyway, Dagon blessed me too! My little tykette (Nellie, or "Little Nell," as I like to call her) says that when she grows up she wants to be an Olympic swimmer! And she’ll do it too — on land she’s kind of like a fish out of water, but once she’s sea-borne . . . look out jacques costeau!

And yes, it is nice to hear the pitter-patter (or rather the flip-flop) of little feet around the house.

Just wanted to share my good fortune with my favorite middle sister . . . glad to hear you got some of your own!

And speaking of sisters, wonder how Marsha’s doing over in Dunwich? You know, we really should have a get-together, just the three of us. It would be like old times!

Well, Fun-ney Glu-ey, and all that jazz (my god’s words are funny too — and I still haven’t gotten used to them!).

With love,

PS — Do you think you could do me a favor, sis, and start writing on waterproof paper? Either that, or buy plastic envelopes — the ink runs something fierce around here when it gets wet!

III. A Postcard from Dunwich

Dear Janet (I’m also sending this same card to Sarah),
Isn’t that a coincidence? I’ve found god too! Mine’s called Yog-Sothoth, and my own good fortune (Lucas) has you all beat: he’s only recently learned to walk, yet he can lift a semi-truck! Yog’s honest truth!

But life with Lukey isn’t always easy — it’s really hard to punish him when he needs it and you can’t even find him!

That reminds me: I have to lay in a store of Ibn-Ghazi’s Powder when I run into town tomorrow . . .

Anyway, I think it’s really wonderful that we’ve all found god, and hope that this will serve to bring us even closer together (after all, we all live in the same area, at least: the Miskatonic Valley)!

Well, in the name of the All-In-One and the One-In-All (isn’t that what the Three Musketeers used to say?),

With love,

PS — And you both thought I’d never be a mother — being what you called a "spinster" and all! Guess the Lurker at the Threshold (sounds like a travelling salesman, don’t it?) can like even an ugly-duckling like me!

I never knew what I was missing! Group sex is great — especially when you can enjoy it with only ONE partner (you see, Yoggy has all these (giggle) projections . . .)!

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