The Idiots Guide To Blood Sacrifice

(Disclaimer: Due to the prevalence of morons in this world, I feel that it is necessary to point out that this “Guide” is entirely meant as a fictional work and a humorous, (and/or deeply disturbing), parody to the actual “Idiots Guides”. The advice presented in this work is not meant to be taken seriously or to be followed in any way. Moreover, this “Guide” is not meant to sanction actual human sacrifice in any way, shape, or form. In fact, as the author has never actually performed a blood sacrifice to any “Ancient Gods”, (real or fictional), he is not at all qualified to give advice on performing such activities. Hence, assuming that this guide would be helpful in doing that sort of thing would probably be a really, really bad idea.)

IA! IA! Cthulhu Ftaghn!

Hail aspiring Cthonic cultist! Congratulations on your purchase, (or acquisition by other means), of The Idiots Guide To Blood Sacrifice! This little manual will, most assuredly, aid you greatly in your endeavors to curry the favor of the Ancient Gods!

As I’m sure you are aware, nothing pleases one of the Ancient Gods more than an offering of sentient life force. Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Cthulhu, it doesn’t matter who you wish to invoke, you simply can’t go wrong with a good, old-fashioned, blood soaked ceremony. With this type of ritual you hold the key to some of the greatest favors that The Great Ancient Ones are willing to bestow. And let’s face it, a good blood sacrifice really livens up a ritual in a way that nothing else can! Any experienced worshipper of the Ancient Powers will readily admit that nothing enhances the ambience of your cult’s get-togethers more than a screaming victim!

Of course, one can never expect to achieve greatness without a bit of hard work. If human sacrifice were easy, everyone would be doing it! In a way, you should consider the extra effort necessary to pull off a good ritualistic murder a blessing. Since not everyone is willing to go that extra mile, this gives you more of an opportunity to really distinguish yourself from the hordes of other chanting, black-robed sycophants that are always pestering The Ancient Ones.

There are several key phases necessary in performing a successful blood sacrifice, these are: – Preparation – Sacrifice selection – Sacrifice capture – Performance – Clean-up

Preparation

First, let’s consider the Preparation phase. Proper preparation is absolutely crucial to a well-executed execution. Blood sacrifice is a complicated business. If something goes wrong, the consequences can be quite nasty for your entire cult. Therefore, you should always think everything out beforehand. If you are forced to improvise, you will probably make critical mistakes. Moreover, proper attention to the Preparation phase of the operation will make every other phase of your blood sacrifice much easier and more enjoyable for everyone!

One thing that most cultists tend to overlook is the very real possibility that things might not go as planned. You can help overcome this potential problem by making several alternate plans! Once you have come up with your initial plan, think through each step and try to imagine what difficulties could arise that could cause your well laid plans to go awry. Then, consider what sorts of preparatory measures you could arrange to overcome that potential problem. If you are diligent in this practice, you will find that you will have a long and successful career as an adherent to the Powers of Ancient Evil.

One of the most important considerations in the Preparation phase will be corpse disposal. The Clean-up phase is largely centered around getting rid of evidence of your little anti-social activities. The single biggest piece of evidence will normally be a rather bloody and mangled body.

On rare occasions you may be favored enough to have an actual material visitation from one of the minions of the ancient power you are invoking. In those cases, the minion will likely simply devour your sacrifice – thus saving you the trouble of disposing of the remains. However, you cannot depend on this. If you assume that the victim will be completely devoured and a minion fails to show, you’re going to be stuck with a big problem.

Therefore, be ready to get rid of that corpse! Locate a nice isolated spot before hand and dig a grave. Believe me, you don’t want to have to spend time digging a sizable hole while the corpse is sitting there next to you waiting. Digging a suitable hole tends to take a bit of time. Of course, investment in a good piece of earth-moving equipment can really make this part a lot quicker and easier. The only problem with this is that you are really going to need to have a good reason for owning such a machine. If you are an accountant who lives in some apartment in a city, people will really wonder about the steamshovel you always have parked in your spot.

Another problem with digging, which is often overlooked, are tree roots! Forests seem to offer very attractive spots to surreptitiously dig a nice grave, but those roots can be a big headache! If you find that you have to use a wooded area, remember to bring an axe! You’re going to need to chop through some thick roots to get that hole dug. Another thing to keep in mind is that all that chopping is going to produce a good bit more noise than simply tossing dirt would.

Another tempting method for disposal of the victim is tossing them into some body of water. However, to really do this in a manner that is effective, you are probably going to need access to a boat. Moreover, you will have to be able to get onto that boat in some way that will not involve witnesses seeing you carry a body onboard!

*Tip: Don’t forget to buy some thick chains for weight!

Bridges may seem like a convenient alternative to the need for a watercraft. However, many bridges are constructed at surprisingly shallow points in a river. Also, since you will need to weight the corpse, it will probably just end up lying there right under the bridge. This makes it a bit too easy to find. Remember, the point here is to make any investigation much more difficult by making the corpse disappear altogether.

If you have access to the right sort of resources, such as large amounts of money, corpse disposal can be greatly simplified by building your own little secret crematorium. The major problem with a crematorium is the large amounts of odd smelling smoke. This smoke can be a dead give away to the neighbors. However, with a little clever engineering, an ambitious servant of the Ancient Gods can rig up a system where the smoke is mixed with water and channeled into the sewers rather than just being released into the air! This system requires the use of a couple of pumps to work, but it is well worth the bother!

Also, with the crematorium, you will need to acquire a special grinder to reduce the charred bones to dust. Most people don’t realize that the ashes which are left after a cremation are actually ground up charred bones. All of the fleshy bits will go up in smoke in a properly working crematorium but, unfortunately, the bones are left behind – still mostly in their original shape. The bones need to be ground into a powder for easy disposal. The good news is that you won’t really need to arouse suspicion by ordering a special grinder from a mortuary supply house. Just running the bones through a common woodchipper a few times and then tossing them into a restaurant-grade blender set on “puree” will do the job nicely!

There are other, more exotic, methods for corpse disposal such as dissolving the corpse in large vats of acid or feeding the remains to some manner of animal. These methods tend to require some expertise and/or repeated experimentation to hone to the point where they are really effective.

Aside from the corpse disposal, other considerations that need attention in the Preparation phase are such things as: – Choosing and properly outfitting the ritual location. – Acquiring the proper equipment, not only for the ritual itself, but also for restraining your victim. – Making sure that everyone in your cult knows what they are going to be expected to do. Remind them to clear the schedules accordingly!

Sacrifice Selection

Choosing just the right victim for your blood sacrifice is always a tricky business. The number one rule to remember is – don’t use your significant other!

Even if you really would love to carve the heart out your wife or husband, doing it in a blood sacrifice setting is just a plain old bad idea! The sad fact of the matter is that if you murder your mate, you’re going to get caught. If your mate shows up somewhere gutted like a fish, the police will be all over you – and you had better have one heck of an alibi!

Likewise, it’s always best to avoid _anyone_ that is in any way connected to you or one of your fellow cultists. No relatives, no co-workers, and definitely – NO SWORN ENEMIES! You don’t want to give the police a quick and easy trail to your door.

A popular victim for a blood sacrifice is a common harlot. There are many advantages to using a prostitute – its usually easy to lure them to a place where they can be tied up and gagged, they don’t tend to want to attract a lot of attention when you are trying to get them to come with you, and, most importantly, the police tend not to pay too much attention if they disappear!

However, I personally don’t like using prostitutes. Although there are many benefits, I can’t help but feel that ridding the world of an immoral, disease spreading, minor criminal somehow just goes against the type of thing that the Ancient Gods stand for. I mean, lets face facts; we’re not trying to make the world a _better_ place for humanity. I say, leave the whores there to do their bit to pull society down.

Another problem with prostitutes is that, once a couple of them disappear, all the other ones in the area tend to get very jumpy! Some of them will even start carrying guns. There is nothing more inconvenient than being gut-shot by your intended victim!

Now, one really great piece of equipment that is truly valuable for selecting a quality victim is a police scanner! One of these scanners will do more for your efforts than any other device imaginable. All you need to do is listen for domestic violence calls. The dispatcher will even give you the address!

When you learn of a couple with a history of domestic violence, you are good as gold. Simply keep an eye on the couple and make your move when the wife is alone and the husband is in some spot with no one to collaborate an alibi. When the wife disappears mysteriously, the cops will simply go arrest the abusive husband – end of investigation! If you use this method, you will find that the cops will never bother to look at any suspects other than the husband – Never! Never! Never!

Victim Capture

Once you have selected the victim, the next trick is to successfully snatch them. The one big advantage you can give yourself in this endeavor is effective teamwork. Since you have a group of dedicated cultists to draw upon – don’t be afraid to use them!

Assign everyone a well defined job to do during the grab. You’ll need a driver, several look outs, several large fellows to do the actual grab, possibly a small, weak individual to act as a “baiter”, and a few really non-descript people that can act as spies prior to the operation.

The spies are really critical to a good grab. You’ll need to know when the victim is alone and vulnerable, and the only really good way to get this info is to have someone watching them. The best people to use as spies are little old ladies. Little old ladies are non-threatening, so no one ever pays any attention to them. Even better, they are known for being nosy and watching people around them – so if they seem to be watching someone, no one will give it a second thought. Never underestimate the value of having several little old ladies in your group of cultists!

The best part of using an organized team to snatch a victim is the fact that police simply are not going to be thinking along those lines during an ensuing investigation. It is so rare for a large, well organized, team to abduct people is this country that the cops will simply assume that it is impossible. When the cops assume something incorrect, it is always a point in your favor.

For your team to really work together well, you will need to rehearse together. Do not be afraid to do several dress rehearsals. These will be more valuable than you would normally believe. Also, during the practice, throw in a couple of unexpected problems for your people to deal with. You’re going to have things like that crop up during your operations and you’ll want to have your cultists used to dealing with them.

A “Baiter” can be a great boon to your effort. This team member’s job is to get the victim to open the door. This person should be small and harmless looking. Again, little old ladies can be very useful here. If your group has access to particularly precocious, (and warped), children, (whom you are sure you can completely control), you will have the perfect “baiters”. Just imagine a couple of girl scouts selling cookies, armed with concealed stunned guns. Even better, how about a free sample of their newest type of cookie, (laced with knock-out drugs, of course).

In the capture phase, you will once again find that the police scanner is an invaluable tool. It will help you know where the local police are and tip you off is someone spots you and calls them. Always assign one of your members to be the radio minder.

Always have your team wear very common types of clothing for the capture operation. You definitely don’t want to leave behind any unique, or rare, fibers for the forensics team. Of course, wear gloves – good thick gloves, not surgical gloves! Fingerprints can be left behind right through thin latex gloves! (Fingerprints are very, very bad!) Also, wear tough clothing that will be resistant to attempts by the victim to claw at you. You definitely don’t want to be doing any bleeding at the crime scene. (Your blood at the crime scene is also very, very bad!) You might even consider wearing some sort of protective goggles for the portion of the phase where you are actually subduing the victim, (losing an eyeball is no fun).

If you can somehow get your hands on some blood or hair from people that are totally unconnected with you or your operation, you might consider scattering them around the crime scene. (Confusing cops is fun!)

You might consider bringing along some small containers of bleach. If the worse comes to pass, and the victim cuts you, you really, really don’t want to leave any of your blood on the draperies. Liberal application of bleach to blood spots will make it much harder for the police to identify. Even better, use sulfuric acid if you can get it. Sulfuric acid should get rid of that nasty DNA! Also, bring along some large, easy to apply bandages to staunch bleeding as soon as possible, (less blood spilled, less sulfuric acid needed).

Another thing you don’t want to leave behind is your hair. I know that hair nets are really stupid looking, but so are prison uniforms. Also, shave beforehand, even your legs and back, the fewer hairs you have on you, the fewer hairs you can leave behind.

Other invaluable items for the capture phase are ether, (to knock the victim out), a stun gun or two, gags, good ropes or chains, hand-cuffs, (make sure they are real and untraceable!). A body bag with some air holes poked in it can be useful at times. A gun or really nasty looking knife can be handy in intimidating a victim. A sturdy box or trunk large enough to fit the victim in is usually a good idea – you don’t want any witnesses seeing you carrying around unconscious people!

Performance

The Performance Phase is, of course, really the most important part of the whole thing. After all, what’s the use of all the other phases if you don’t actually perform the blood ritual?

A really big issue in the performance phase is the selection of a good location for the sacrificial ritual. Obviously, the most important factor to keep in mind is privacy! You do not want to be performing in front of an audience!

Just because an area seems to be extremely isolated, don’t assume that it is! Don’t be lazy! Spend some time hiking around there, make absolutely sure that some yokel doesn’t have some hidden little cabin a little ways away. In fact, if you happen to find some hermit in an isolated cabin nearby, you might have made your victim selection phase a lot easier! (Watch out for shotguns though – some of those old hermits are pretty nasty and paranoid).

Deep cave systems are often nice places to hold your rituals. However, there are a couple of factors that should be taken into consideration. First of all, echoes – make sure that you’re not going to be holding your ceremony in some sort of echo chamber that amplifies your victim’s screams and broadcasts them far and wide. Caverns can have strange acoustics – check them beforehand! Second, parking – a large number of cars parked outside of some old cave entrance in the middle of the night might just arouse the curiosity of any passing patrolmen. Remember, teenage miscreants also like to use caves, so cops go out of their way to drive by nearby abandoned tunnels and such.

If you really have your heart set on using a cave, consider the idea of disguising your cult as a spelunking club, (it’s a really good cover). If the local police know that you are spelunkers they won’t bother to ask what you are doing wandering around in caves, (unless, of course, the cops happen to be complete imbeciles). Also, remember that a good spelunker doesn’t leave trash behind, (or corpses for that matter).

If you happen to own large tracts of isolated land, one of the toughest decisions to make is whether or not to perform the ritual on your own property. The good part about using your own land is that you can be more assured of privacy. You’ll know the lay of the land and be familiar with the likelihood of passing witnesses. You’ll also have the opportunity to build a special, hidden, underground shrine if you are lucky enough to have that kind of money lying around. However, MAKE SURE IT IS VERY WELL HIDDEN! Having an underground temple of Cthulhu in your backyard will kind of give the whole game away if someone happens to wander into it.

The bad side to using your own property is that you will be arrested if the cops find evidence there. You will have to be extremely careful not leave a trail that the police can follow onto your land.

*Tip – To make sure the performance phase goes well, don’t forget to provide refreshments after the ritual!

Clean-up Phase

Well, now that all the fun is over, its time to tidy up. However, the good news is that we’ve taken care of the hardest part of that job already during the preparation phase, haven’t we? (If you haven’t I don’t know why you’ve even bothered to read this).

Assuming you’re competent enough to have done a good job with the Preparation Phase, corpse disposal should be a snap. So we won’t bother to go over it again here.

The clean-up phase is called the clean-up phase for a good reason – you may have to do some actual cleaning! Therefore, it’s a good idea to have plenty of disposable cleaning supplies available. Just because you’ve brutally murdered someone at the spot, and spattered their blood everywhere, doesn’t mean that you have to leave the place looking messy!

If you can tidy up enough so that casual passers-by won’t immediately notice that something odd has happened there, its quite likely that the police will never know that you have held a ritual there. You especially don’t want to leave behind odd diagrams painted on the floor, or blobs of black candle wax. These kinds of things scream out “occult activity” to investigators. Once the cops think there is a cult operating in town, your job will become much more difficult. So, don’t do them any favors – make sure to clean up after yourself.

Another thing to avoid is sticking your nose into any investigations. You don’t want to appear suspiciously uncooperative, but you also don’t want to appear suspiciously too cooperative. Avoid the temptation to get involved just to throw the police some red herrings. The thing you want to do is be as un-involved as you can be, (and this goes for all the members of your cult too).

Conclusion

Always remember that human sacrifice is a tricky and dangerous business. Sure its lots of fun, and the benefits can be great, but if things go wrong – the fun is over! Your cult should really think long and hard before deciding to attempt such an activity.

Although the name of the guide says “Idiots”, that doesn’t really mean that attempting a ritual of this type is a good idea if you truly are an idiot. Outsmarting the police is much harder than it looks. Also remember, that a single idiot in your group can destroy everything for everyone involved. If you have any doubts whatsoever about even one of your associates, steer clear of human sacrifice.

As a final bit of advice, don’t leave this guide lying around your apartment or desk at work. If people see you reading this kind of material they just might get a wee bit suspicious…

And so, in parting, be careful and be smart! And, as always, May The Great Cthulhu Eat You Last.

IA! IA! Cthulhu Ftaghn!


One Response to “The Idiots Guide To Blood Sacrifice”

  1. Nickolaus A. Pacione Wrote:

    This is a fucked up funny read man. Good one — I don’t think I could ever do a humouros Mythos yarn. I am too intense of a writer for it.

Leave a Comment