http://www.templeofdagon.com/public/vie ... php?sid=19
I'm not sure how to take this one - part of me thinks it's the best story I'e written, and part of me think it's the worst. I've been on the fence with it so long my ass is getting numb, so if you guys could tell me what you think it might chnage my mind either way about it. Thanks.
Looking for some brutal critique
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- Jesus Prime
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- Location: Ireland (Moon-Bog country)
Looking for some brutal critique
Adrian wrote:TELL ME YOU ORDERED THE FUCKING GOLF SHOES!
Adrian wrote:I sure love my pudding.
some thoughts...
Here are a few of my thoughts on your story
- the writing is sound, and your grasp of language and the ability to incorporate it into a story is quite impressive
-I found it a bit wordy
ex-I do apologise for my lateness in writing to you, but the days here in the east are intolerably long, and the workload we have been doing seems to be getting larger and larger as the days grind on. I don’t know how anyone could stick these excavations for as long as they do.
this made your story a little tedious to follow for me, you could try to edit out words that serve little purpose.
ex- I apologise for my lateness in writing; the days here in the east are intolerably long, and the workload seems to be getting larger and larger as the days grind on. I don’t know how anyone could tolerate these excavations for as long as they do.
-you give away your ending I thought, too early in the story: The prostrate figures were many, and varied, but of them I could discern the jackal-headed Anubis
-this was a spoiler for your ending: You are probably still wondering what I saw in that damp, cold, underground cellar, and I am still unsure that you would believe it if I did tell you. For what I saw, fettered and manacled to the far wall of the hidden chamber, was the living, animate form of a jackal-headed man…
I have been told that I do this as well in my my fiction, I hope this helps, and remember, it's only my opinion.
- the writing is sound, and your grasp of language and the ability to incorporate it into a story is quite impressive
-I found it a bit wordy
ex-I do apologise for my lateness in writing to you, but the days here in the east are intolerably long, and the workload we have been doing seems to be getting larger and larger as the days grind on. I don’t know how anyone could stick these excavations for as long as they do.
this made your story a little tedious to follow for me, you could try to edit out words that serve little purpose.
ex- I apologise for my lateness in writing; the days here in the east are intolerably long, and the workload seems to be getting larger and larger as the days grind on. I don’t know how anyone could tolerate these excavations for as long as they do.
-you give away your ending I thought, too early in the story: The prostrate figures were many, and varied, but of them I could discern the jackal-headed Anubis
-this was a spoiler for your ending: You are probably still wondering what I saw in that damp, cold, underground cellar, and I am still unsure that you would believe it if I did tell you. For what I saw, fettered and manacled to the far wall of the hidden chamber, was the living, animate form of a jackal-headed man…
I have been told that I do this as well in my my fiction, I hope this helps, and remember, it's only my opinion.
- Jesus Prime
- Moderator
- Posts: 3713
- Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 5:38 pm
- Location: Ireland (Moon-Bog country)
Hmm, didn't notice it that way. I figured I had it shrouded with mention of other gods at that point. I'll fix it now.
However, the actual ending itself - is it cogent? And of the Necronomicon quotes - blasphemy, or what H.P. would have wnated?
However, the actual ending itself - is it cogent? And of the Necronomicon quotes - blasphemy, or what H.P. would have wnated?
Adrian wrote:TELL ME YOU ORDERED THE FUCKING GOLF SHOES!
Adrian wrote:I sure love my pudding.
- Jesus Prime
- Moderator
- Posts: 3713
- Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 5:38 pm
- Location: Ireland (Moon-Bog country)