Looking for some brutal critique

Need writing advice? Want to share works in progress? Look here!

Moderators: mgmirkin, Moderators

Post Reply
User avatar
Jesus Prime
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3713
Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 5:38 pm
Location: Ireland (Moon-Bog country)

Looking for some brutal critique

Post by Jesus Prime »

http://www.templeofdagon.com/public/vie ... php?sid=19

I'm not sure how to take this one - part of me thinks it's the best story I'e written, and part of me think it's the worst. I've been on the fence with it so long my ass is getting numb, so if you guys could tell me what you think it might chnage my mind either way about it. Thanks.
Adrian wrote:TELL ME YOU ORDERED THE FUCKING GOLF SHOES!
Adrian wrote:I sure love my pudding.
User avatar
yogsototh
Mi-Go Brain-Bait
Mi-Go Brain-Bait
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Aug 12, 2004 2:33 am

some thoughts...

Post by yogsototh »

Here are a few of my thoughts on your story

- the writing is sound, and your grasp of language and the ability to incorporate it into a story is quite impressive

-I found it a bit wordy

ex-I do apologise for my lateness in writing to you, but the days here in the east are intolerably long, and the workload we have been doing seems to be getting larger and larger as the days grind on. I don’t know how anyone could stick these excavations for as long as they do.

this made your story a little tedious to follow for me, you could try to edit out words that serve little purpose.

ex- I apologise for my lateness in writing; the days here in the east are intolerably long, and the workload seems to be getting larger and larger as the days grind on. I don’t know how anyone could tolerate these excavations for as long as they do.


-you give away your ending I thought, too early in the story: The prostrate figures were many, and varied, but of them I could discern the jackal-headed Anubis

-this was a spoiler for your ending: You are probably still wondering what I saw in that damp, cold, underground cellar, and I am still unsure that you would believe it if I did tell you. For what I saw, fettered and manacled to the far wall of the hidden chamber, was the living, animate form of a jackal-headed man…

I have been told that I do this as well in my my fiction, I hope this helps, and remember, it's only my opinion.
User avatar
Jesus Prime
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3713
Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 5:38 pm
Location: Ireland (Moon-Bog country)

Post by Jesus Prime »

Hmm, didn't notice it that way. I figured I had it shrouded with mention of other gods at that point. I'll fix it now.
However, the actual ending itself - is it cogent? And of the Necronomicon quotes - blasphemy, or what H.P. would have wnated?
Adrian wrote:TELL ME YOU ORDERED THE FUCKING GOLF SHOES!
Adrian wrote:I sure love my pudding.
User avatar
Jesus Prime
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 3713
Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 5:38 pm
Location: Ireland (Moon-Bog country)

Post by Jesus Prime »

Fixxxed.
Adrian wrote:TELL ME YOU ORDERED THE FUCKING GOLF SHOES!
Adrian wrote:I sure love my pudding.
Post Reply