The Greatest Epic Ever Written!?

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Eternities End
Deep One Spawn
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Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2006 10:29 pm
Location: The Icy Land of Canada

The Greatest Epic Ever Written!?

Post by Eternities End »

Wrote this just to make fun of a friends terrible writing style...Enjoy!

The Battle of Elf Stone Pass


Falcor looked up at the grayish sky that lay over his head. Quickly he bent over a picked up some sand. The sand fell through his fingers. “Today I’ll get drunk on a lot of Orc blood!” Falcor picked up his golden-rimmed axe that had a fair share of dwarven runes carved into it, for extra killing power. He joyfully walked over to a group of his men who were sitting around an Orc scout they had captured. “Piss Off” He screamed as he pushed the feeble men out of his way and stood himself in front of the Orc.
“Hey Orc boy” said Falcor as he spat in the Orcs face.
“Yes?” said the Orc scout as he glared at Falcor’s half hidden face.
“ Let it be known that your pathetic army of forty thousand can’t stand before me and my men. He’ll wipe your stupid species off the face of the earth once were down with your asses…in fact I’ll feast on all your asses tonight! Bet you wont like that” Falcor once again spat in the Orc’s face. His men laughed joyfully.
“You have denied us our write to existence, and your banks continue to tax our lands ferociously, and for what? So your lords can have more money and lands? We Orcs will rise and overthrow your corrupt empire! We Orcs will cover this mountain range by tomorrow morning!” The Orc sat up defiantly as he spoke.
Falcor walked over to the Orc and just before he cut him in half he screamed “shut up you smelly Orc!”

Night fell and Falcor sat on a nearby stool. One of his men came up to him and sat down beside him.
“I cant take this anymore boss! Forty thousand against two hundred, seems a little one sided to me!”
Falcor drew forth a small wooden pike. He took a strange green herb from his shirt pocket and fitted it inside the pipe. He then lit the pipe with his magical lighter. He handed the pipe over to the soldier. The soldier drew a few puffs then passed it back to Falcor.
“Don’t worry The Warrior God Valtrex watches over me, and over you too I guess. Forty thousand? You’re scared of forty thousand puny seven-foot tall Orcs running and screaming at you? Why don’t you grow a pair of balls boy? I mean I once took on seventy thousand pixies during that one rebellion, don’t you remember that? Those little bastards were hungry too…These Orcs are just pissed off because we took most of their lands in the last crusades and built malls on their temple grounds and forced all the captured ones to live in reservations. They’ll get over it. Now move along and stop being such a pussy or I’ll hang you by your balls on one of those tree’s over there.
The young soldier quickly ran off and left Falcor to smoke his pipe by himself.

The next morning the dawn broke. Falcor rose from his tent ate a quick breakfast looked out onto the horizon to see if the army had shown up yet. Seeing nothing his went back to bed. A couple of hours late someone yelled, “Aw shit there here!” and Falcor jumped to his feet, ate anointer quick breakfast then put his stuff on and ran to meet his men.
“Looks like a damn good day for killing, eh boys?”
At that point one of Falcor’s men shit himself. Suddenly an Orc messenger Tucan flew in to deliver and urgent message. The message read “Yu boyz beta get a lad out to meet my biggist and badist champion, if you don then yuz a bunch of little school girlz.” Falcor’s
face turned red with rage. “No-one calls Falcor Falcison a school girl. Those damn Orcs should learn how to spell!” Falcor ran up the icy slope with his axe, his boots and his assless chaps. He waited at the top of the slope until the Orc champion was sighted over a bluff. The ground started to shake as he approached. The Orc was monstrous and must of weighed at least two tons. He carried a giant bronze scimitar in one hand and in the other he held a smaller Orc that it seemed he used as some sort of club.
“You’z the hummie they sent to fight me, ahahahaha” he laughed.
Falcor dropped his axe and ran screaming at the Orc head on. With a roundhouse kick he nailed the Orc square in it’s giant nut sack and Falcor somersaulted backwards to safety. With the Orc’s exotic nuts from all over the eastern and southern empires scattered along the mountainside.
“You bastard! I was going to eat those cashews once I was dun with you!”
Falcor picked up his axe and ran screaming at the monstrous Orc. The Orc to a swing at Falcor with his Orc/club thing, “aaaahhhhhh!” screamed the Orc as he hit the mountain rocks. Falcor with a swift hack of his magical axe took the giant Orc’s head clean off. The head hit the ground and rolled over to Falcor’s feet. Falcor turns to face the evil Orc hoard just down the mountain slope. With all his might he flung the giant head down the mountainside and in the distance he made out the giant head ploughing through the Orc line.
“Common lads lets Fuck these guys up real proper like!” yelled Falcor as soon as his men reached him on the hill. Him and his men ran down the hill towards the Orc line. Suddenly a hail of arrows that blotted out the very sun screamed towards the Empire lines. All but Falcor raised their iron shields. “What are you a bunch of pansies?” yelled Flacor. Some of the men lowered their shields as if Falcor had ordered them. They were cut down in an instant and Falcor grabbed a man by his neck as he used him as a shield against the volley. Half of Falcor’s men laid dead and the other half were injured bad. Screams of pain filled the air. “Who’s paying you assholes?” Falcor left his men behind as anointer volley of arrows killed whoever still lived. As Falcor approached the Orc line fell silent. Then suddenly there was a quick yell that would deafen a normal man filled echoed from the Orc line. Falcor was impressed by the Orc war cry and he stopped not five feet in front of the Orc Phalanx.
Falcor soon cleared his throat and gave out a war cry so powerful that it knocked the Orc front line off their feet. It was his plan to cause an avalanche and that’s what he did. As the snow barrelled down the mountainside Falcor walked up to a scared Orc warrior and snatched his shield from his hands. As the snow hit his feet he jumped into the air and used the shield as some sort of skateboard to ride down the mountainside. As he snowboarded down the mountain he killed hundreds of fleeing Orcs. Quickly the avalanche lost momentum and came to a stop at the Orc king Orcglax.
“Who the hell are you?!” Screamed the Orc warlord.
“I’m your worst nightmare!” Yelled Falcor as he kicked the Orc lord’s skull in. He then mounted the Orcs horse and rode off down the mountainside to chase down more fleeing Orcs. “Oh how I love a good brawl,” he sang.
Jesus Prime wrote:Good point. You sexy beast, you.
Mid-19th Century: Captain Obed Marsh explores Devil's Reef. Reputedly, he is searching for pirate treasure
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